Negativity overload.

Catechism yesterday was fruitful, no doubt. It always is. I think I've finally figured out what I want; how I want to feel before confirmation.

Confirmation is such a scary thing. Haha. And before I go through it, I guess I just really want to know myself, and God. I want to know that I'm ready for it, and that God thinks I'm ready for this too. Sometimes, I go to bed feeling one thing, and wake up feeling another. And this really scares me.

I guess self-discovery comes with a lot of reflecting. Who's better at teaching you about yourself but yourself? Right? Haha. Sometimes, reflecting, especially when I'm by myself, brings me back to places I never want to remember. It ties together every bad experience with regret. And then I start to wonder why my stupidity let me go there. Sometimes we blame God for our problems, knowing that it's never His fault. And sometimes we blame ourselves, we wallow in self-annoyance.

Honestly in the end, it doesn't matter whose fault anything is. Everything happens for a reason. It may be to learn something, to gain something, to feel something... And all these things will add up to who we are.

I want a hungry confirmation. I want to be hungry, to learn and know God, for Faith, for God's Love. 

I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't want to feel anymore.