Slowly but surely, I'm losing faith not only in myself, but in my Saviour…and I'm hating myself for it.
Are we accountable for our emotions? Is it my fault I'm feeling this way? Some part of me tells me it is, but the other says otherwise. The truth is as the days go past, I'm starting to see my spiritual life become bleaker and bleaker. I'm getting from moderate to moderately dying and trust me there's a difference.
Maybe the problem is that I have no self-control. Or that I'm addicted.
Sometimes I imagine the devil in the room with me, watching me and taunting me to do bad things. Then there's Jesus in the other corner but he's simply standing, not saying a word or doing anything. And I give in. The devil wins.
I'm a horrible person and I can feel my spirit dying. I can feel Jesus disappointed with me because I am with myself. How can I be a better person? I've tried, and tried but I'm not getting better. How can we be good people, if the world keeps caving in? Because I'm only 15, I'm feeling guilty for my sins as hell, and I have no idea what to do.
Pray? I don't think the problem lies with the praying, but with the short moment of decision making; that turning point where you make the decision to sin or not. It's the temptation that you give into, and in those few moments, the only thing running through your mind is 'God will forgive'.
Can we blame the devil? No, I have no one to blame but myself. So my question is; how can God forgive me if I can't even forgive myself? Will he? Because sometimes I wish he wouldn't -- I just don't deserve it.
Jesus, have mercy on my sins and help me, please.
Hey shalyn! I know exactly how you feel but you must stay strong okay?? Good job, I'm happy that you admit your wrongdoings instead of living in denial, you're already one step closer to Jesus.
ReplyDeleteI dont know how exactly I could help you but you could spend more time talking to God, reading his word, getting to know him better... because when you spend more time with someone you get to know them better and when you get to know them better you learn to love them more. When you really understand how much God loves you even though you are a sinner, we all are, then you will want to obey his word an live a life pleasing to Him. Its not an overnight transformation, it takes self control and really the desire to seek God but God will give you strength and journey through this with you. The truth is, he has never left your side and will never leave you.
God loves you very much, you ARE his child.
With God everything is possible, but you must want to change the situation you're in too, and I pray that you'll overcome these things that are keeping you away from the love of God.
God loves you very much, more than you could ever think of. :)
Hello Anon, thank you for the advice/encouragement and taking the time to reply to my outrageous rant. It really means a lot. You've inspired me hahah and I'll do my best. Who are you though? God bless!
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